I am not a very good Christian any more.
I used to think that under it all, I was doing the things right and that counted for something. That it counted for a lot.
I wanted God’s blessing and God’s protection, and to get those one must do all the things just so, or try to. God forgives those who are trying to do the things just so, but fail, so he still protects and blesses the trying.
Now I don’t do all the things just so. Now I don’t try. I got exhausted somewhere in my soul, doing right and finding no harvest. No protection. No blessing. All this doing the things right got me exactly nowhere and I feel betrayed.
Doing the things just so made me feel better than those who didn’t. I tried not to let it, but it did.
Doing the things just so made me feel ashamed when I failed, which was all the time.
I can’t do the things that make God love me; can’t show my love by obeying. Someone tells me he does anyway, that he always did.